3. Fall in Love With the Vulva

3. Fall in Love With the Vulva

2. Get Licking

Once you’ve located your partner’s clitoris, well, start licking it! There are lots of different ways to lick your partner’s clit – quickly or slowly, using the whole length or your tongue or just the tip; softly or more powerfully.

Here, you should be trying to figure out what your partner likes, so in the early going, it’s worth testing out different licking styles. Often, different techniques will feel good at different times; sometimes a method of licking that feels very good at one moment can be too intense the next, and so forth.

The important thing is to be sensitive to anything your partner says (“Go faster!” or “Ooh! Too hard!”, etc.) and to pay attention to their breathing patterns or moaning.

Often, when you hit a certain rhythm, it’ll be obvious that it’s working even if your partner doesn’t say a word, since sexual arousal is often translated unconsciously into physical responses, like heavier breathing, muscles tensing and back arching, among others.

Would you enjoy oral if you sensed your partner was struggling with the concept of putting your penis anywhere near their mouth? Probably not. Sex is more fun when everyone’s enjoying it – so try to bring that same energy to cunnilingus.

“The more you enjoy yourself, the more your partner will enjoy the experience,” says Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the Drive Her Wild video course. “Your partner may have received negative messages about their genitals growing up (and into adulthood) and while it’s not your job to undo all of the damaging effects, if you show appreciation and admiration for their vulva, it may help them to relax and be more present.”

4. Play With the Lips

One part of cunnilingus that sometimes gets overlooked is playing with your partner’s labia minora, colloquially known as “pussy lips.”

“Remember that you can stimulate the internal erectile tissue of the clitoris via the lips,” O’Reilly notes. “Rub, grind and press against the lips on the outside and you’ll likely stimulate the internal clitoral complex.”

This might not be as pleasurable as licking or sucking on the clitoris, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a fun part of the equation, and it’s a good option if you want to throw in some variation here and there.

5. Don’t Make Assumptions

“Every vulva is different,” says O’Reilly. “What worked for a previous partner may not work for your current partner(s), so don’t make assumptions.”

Kayla Lords, sexpert for JackAndJillAdult, agrees. “Not every partner wants oral sex in the same way,” she says. “Even if your previous partner loved that thing you did with your willow app algorytm tongue, your next partner could hate it.”

6. Ask About What Feels Good

So if assumptions are off the table, how do you know what to do? Simple. You ask. “Ask for feedback and follow their lead and guidance,” says O’Reilly.”

Asking about what your partner likes or wants can seem daunting if you’re not used to it – but it’s a good habit to get into. For starters, caring about your partner’s experience is one of the cornerstones of sexual consent; second, being able to navigate those conversations, both during sex and outside of the bedroom, will make for better sex for both of you.

7. Make Some Noise

You might be focused on what you’re doing – and your partner might be the one making the majority of the noise – but being too quiet can actually be a little bit disconcerting.

“Your lover wants to know that you’re enjoying yourself, so let your sounds emanate without inhibition,” O’Reilly suggests. “Breathe deeply, moan if you like it and allow your sounds of enthusiasm and pleasure to vibrate throughout their body.”

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